Stop Trying to Fall in Love

If you want to get anything done

hello my beautiful angels,

I am writing this at 10:34 in the evening. Tonight I got dinner with my lovely friend who just moved to New York from London, and then we popped into a karaoke bar to sing Like a Prayer by Madonna together. It astonishes me how some people are too shy for karaoke, but then I look back at myself two years ago and I was too shy for karaoke.

On Labeling Yourself

I used to be very shy, actually. Sometimes I still can be, but one lesson I've learned In a big way these past few years is to be very careful with the words that you label yourself with. Your identity is a relative sort of thing, you know? I don't really like to label myself anything. I just like to do a lot of things. I've even sort of let go of the words "writer" or "artist," which may come as a shock, but I want to explain the logic.

I told myself that I wanted to be a writer when I was about 13 after I realized I wasn't going to be a ballerina. I loved writing, I'd always write through things to plan, to explain myself, but more than anything I loved to read. To sing. To daydream.

On Blogging and Dating

When I started blogging consistently In 2023, I was quite timid about it. The earliest posts are just lists of things, until I have some bigger, abstracted stuff about breakups and getting a little older. And then after that I loved the act of blogging, seeing people respond to my work and growing by putting more of my thoughts out into the world.

Dating became this really easy thing to blog about because each date, each evening out became it's own sort of reflective piece and arc with characters that we could all get invested in together. I love setting goals, and I guess in a way when I wrote more about dating, my goal became to get good at dating, which for all intents and purposes, I retrospectively find to be an empty goal. It's better to have more friends than exes, I'd reckon.

As I turned dating Into writing, all of it became about the writing for me. How to get a good story, starting with my own actions in the real world. And I racked up an unbelievable amount of good and shocking stories. But I spread myself pretty thin, emotionally.

One of my First Older Flings

I met my first sort of older boyfriend-ish (~40 I think) on Orchard Street. He was sitting on a rock at the end of a night as my best friend and I wrapped up ours. He was beautiful with thick, dark hair and a complimentary beard.

I don't remember why any of us exchanged contact info, but soon enough I'm texting him during the day, complaining about the confusions of early adulthood. We agree to get coffee and he brings his dog. And this begins this funny stretch of dinners and hangs and pep talks. He helped me stop caring so much about what everyone thought of me. His solutions were things like listening to more Future. He put me onto songs like Sexy Boy by Air, and elevated my obsessions with peas by taking me for pasta with peas and mint, followed up by Pete's Pie. He vaped, but more importantly, he listened.

I was never really concerned with winning his attention or being the sort of girl he’d want to be with. I think each of us knew, respectfully, that pursuing anything would be a dead end, and I was more obsessed with figuring out what I was doing with my own life. But it was good to hang out and he helped me develop that DGAF attitude I needed to start being more honest in my work and to have better boundaries at my job.

Dating TikToks

After writing for a bit, I began exploring ways to bring my writing project to my Instagram presence. Everyone loved a dating column. It was the thing that got the most engagement and intrigue, so I tried to continue the bit with a series of reels declaring that I was "dating to marry In New York," and that I "wanted to be married with kids before 30."

Filming these felt like proper bits. Nothing, including my own tone of voice, felt like me. But the metrics were great. Each video, hit at least 15k by the end of each day, and people seemed to be invested. Some of them still are, months later.

But now, speaking from experience, I can say that it's sort of a weird thing to cannibalize your own love life in real time. You'll get strangers who are convinced they are the one for you. Some of them might be very convincing and suddenly, you're in Amsterdam!

And I found myself looking for a narrative resolution in my own life. Whether it was making an idol out of a very normal man, or receiving grand gestures I'll write about someday when things feel like they've settled.

What do you want?

I've had some conversations with really brilliant people. People who are extremely driven and wealthy, not because of nepotism or exploitation, but because of sheer determination and belief in themselves. And I think when you meet successful people, it's easy to feel like you should attach yourself to them or take everything they say as law. But they are not you and you get to the point where you realize that if you want to do anything with your life you sort of have to decide to.

And most of these people, they've looked at me and they've all asked one simple question:

"What do you want?"

It took me a long time to realize that I was allowed to desire anything outside of being desired. And when you detach yourself from earlier conceptions, from earlier labels that other people have put on you, the world becomes this really gorgeous realm of sheer possibility.

I know what I want. I want everyone to be hotter and smarter, which is why I've made Hot Literati.

And I want to write some books and meet a lot of people.

And I want to do a lot of karaoke and spend a lot of time in France.

And I want to be married and have a family someday, but that's not the sort of thing you rush and it's definitely not the type of thing you want to turn into a project.

And back to the thing with labels. What happens If you stop trying to make yourself into something, and just allow yourself to make and do things? That's where I've sort of landed lately. Less explaining and more doing.

So if you're looking for meaning in something, whether it's an Instagram account or someone you went on two dates with, or even my crazy stories from bold years in my early 20s, then might I suggest you grab a notebook and a pen and spend a little bit of time with yourself.

that's all

I'm sleepy.

share this with a friend who you think would enjoy!!

Let's make more Hot Literatis <3

allll my love

hailo