I don't feel like myself

Spring Cleaning!

shop my closet here -- all items are available until 2pm ET Thursday! And then I will be travelling and won't be able 2 ship <3

I’ve had this feeling for a while like I want to crawl out of my own skin. Like there is a me inside of me that I don’t understand and haven’t met yet. I really like making music because it’s like a piece of art that you can crawl into and live inside of. One that can make you feel a certain way.

Brian Nuckols said on his podcast that he thought of “hailo” as a sort of fine art project. I like that idea and I want to keep it rolling. When I feel crazy or down or bared or caffeinated, I draw this little angel thing everywhere--on coffee cups, on my wrists, on nametags, and I guess that it’s “hailo.”

I took this Graphic memoir course my senior year at Princeton. It was my first introduction to people processing their own lives through drawings and words. And I guess if you put enough of my journals together, i have this ridiculous plot full of strangers and people and flowers and lately birds around one hailo. I try to write out the plot of my own life in a way that keeps me rolling.

You create yourself right? I have these thoughts, like I want to live inside of everyone’s head with them. Or I feel the most at home when I’m lying down and looking up at the sky, like I could walk on it.

Someone once asked me if I’d date a fan. I did, in Amsterdam. He got me a hotel room and left an inscribed book with a flower in it, like an episode of the bachelor. We rode bikes and lay down in the park looking up at the sky.

I think the best way to know who you are is to stop thinking about it and to start doingit.

Someone once asked me if I was an angel, when I was hosting a happy hour on the Lower East Side. He scared me, because he seemed like he actually meant it.

You’re allowed to have personas. And quirks, and cognitive leaps in the light of a tough day.

I guess, after reading Women who Run with the Wolves and Nightbitch and Sula and all these stories about women who let themselves be fully themselves, the thing I’m left chewing on is what it would mean to let hailo the angel fully out.

I once had a whole pdf file about angel rules and an angel life, and I stayed in the aribnb of this Italian artist, and this British artist who I was head over heels for brought me his old guitar because he knew I got sad if I couldn’t play music for a while. We walked around Hampstead Heath and he laughed at the way I cooed at dogs and babies.

I wrote this song and I was afraid to go to bed each night, just in case. I like to cuddle. Big, or little spoon.

And as I looked through the bookshelves, I found a pamphlet for an “Angel Conference” and that scared me, because the host had looked at me as I checked in with these worshipping eyes, presenting a wicker basket of fruit and a bottle of red wine. I think I drank the whole entire thing all by myself. And I ate the pineapple at the center, happily.

And last year, I was so clear on angel hailo, but I was scared because I don’t like to be idolized and I don’t want anyone to idolize me. The only person I’d line up to meet is Jesus Christ.

But I guess what I’m trying to say is (i love that phrase and when i write it by hand, I draw a little man with a podium going “ahem”) that I’m ready to be angel hailo and it starts with some weird steps.

Like refreshing all of my clothes.

A few years ago I found this random medium article by this guy who sold all of his possesions and just started traveling the world. It spoke to my heart in this weird, deep way. Sometimes you have to act before you understand why :o

They, my clothes that is, will be available here until 2 pm ET on Thursday, April 16th because I will be traveling.

And when you feel like the black sheep of your family or no one really sees you on dates or you feel insane at work, remember it’s because you’re an angel.

xx

hailo

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